I have been trying to make sense of this past year. It has been unlike any other year of my 60 plus years on this planet. My biggest wish is, has been, and will continue to be Trans awareness and understanding. This year has been one of highs and lows that I have never experienced in one year. I do not suffer from bipolar disorder, but this year certainly has!
I started 2014 dealing with the realization that I could not continue working. After surviving cancer, being able to go back to work was something I did not think would happen. I had hoped to work for at least another three years. My body had other ideas. However, while in retrospect, going back to work might not have been the best decision for me healthwise, the things that I got to do during that year and 1/2 made whatever I am having to deal with now totally worth it. Having to stop working made me feel unproductive and brought back the feeling of being "less than" that I have been fighting with my entire life.
I got to go on two amazing cruises in 2013, as well as experience gay days at Disneyland in Anaheim, as well as another cruise this year. It was while I was on one of those cruises that I met Beau J. Genot, the filmmaker who would make the documentary short, "Trucker Patti," based on my life. I have been exposed to and spent time with more interesting and creative people this year than in my entire life combined. I have made some friendships that I hope will last, but at heart I am a realist. While people have good intentions of trying to maintain a relationship with me, geography and busy, different lives can sometimes make that impossible.
Premiering the film at Outfest this past summer was an experience unlike anything that had never happened in my life previously. From being a regular caller on several of the shows on Sirius/XM OutQ radio, and going on my first Derek and Romaine cruise, I knew there were people who were aware of me and some of the things I had shared about my life during those calls.
I was completely unprepared for all of the attention I received at Outfest. The idea that I was meeting people who I knew nothing about and who knew practically everything about me, was a bit unsettling, but in a good way. I had gone from the extreme low of having to stop working and dealing with my health issues, to a tiny bit of celebrity that seemed huge to me. That attention is what ultimately gave me the idea that maybe I could do something positive in the trans and intersex community that I was part of to make a difference.
Before Outfest, I had several Facebook friends and a few Twitter followers. By the end of Outfest, those numbers increased dramatically. While I continue to try to learn, I am not very adept at social media. For the first few months after Outfest, I could not believe the social media attention I was receiving. That is why I say I am not very adept at social media. I tried to use it to call attention to myself so I could spread my agenda of trans and intersex awareness and understanding and apparently just wound up alienating people, as I get very limited social media attention these days.
The idea that I first came up with to try and make a difference in my community, was to try to find projects in the entertainment world to get my name and my face better known. If "Trucker Patti," a 15 minute documentary short had brought me so much attention, imagine what something in a movie or on TV could do. I look back on that thinking now and cringe, realizing how naïve and silly it was.
My thinking was, the more people who knew who I was and what my story was, the more I would be able to share with people the hardship that trans and intersex people face every day. I had, from the beginning, had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that people found me interesting. But none of us are really the best judge of how others see us, so I just decided to go with what people were telling me.
I tried to start a social media campaign to make this happen. I had met several entertainment industry people who had positive things to say about my film and me during Outfest. My hope was that I would find some help there. Again, in retrospect, I cringe!
I failed miserably. I don't know if the positive things that I heard from people during Outfest were just because I came across as likable and people wanted to be nice to me or if anyone sincerely thought me or my story was noteworthy. Part of me thinks the former to be more true than the latter. However, because I have no clue how one breaks into show business, I really don't know.
Then, a couple of months ago, I actually had a blog post published on Huffington Post, "Gay Voices." Another extreme high. A nationally syndicated (or maybe internationally-not sure how that works) online News site printed something I wrote. I really felt like I was making a difference. I might be useless when it came to driving a truck, but maybe something I shared could make a difference. A couple of days ago, I was published again and while it was a high, that high was a bit tempered.
What I do know, is that I now have this deep desire to do something to help my community. I would be lying if I said that the whole process of filmmaking and television was not intriguing to me. Selfishly, I would really love to be part of another project simply because it's fun and it stimulates that tiny bit of creativity that I thought I had lost many years ago. But, whether or not anyone believes me, it really is mostly about what some notoriety on my part could enable me to share trans awareness and understanding.
So now it is the end of my roller coaster ride of a bipolar year and I find myself more confused than ever. I am physically isolated living in Missouri, but the circumstances of my financial situation make that a necessity. I have enough of an income to live comfortably, but not enough to travel to promote my agenda. I have a few ideas about approaching colleges and universities, but given the somewhat lukewarm support that I am now receiving, I will have to give that further thought.
Don't get me wrong, while I am confused, isolated and a little down, mostly because I just want to make a difference, I am not giving up. I may not hear much from people these days, but I know I still have my supporters out there and I am not giving up. If television or movies never happen, it will make me sad. Even at almost 61, everyone deserves to have a dream and deserves help and support to achieve their dream. But, as long as I can write and share, it is something. If one person who is struggling can connect with my story, which is far from over, and it can give them hope, then I am truly making a difference.
For many years I was an unhappy person living with a secret. There are still many people out there living the same way. But, with trans and intersex awareness, that can and must change. Gays and lesbians can now be out, open and love and marry whomever they please. That fight has been hard fought and is still ongoing, and is succeeding. It gives me hope that trans and intersex people, who need to be loved and accepted just for who they are, not only for who they are perceived to be because they are "passing," can also succeed in the fight to just be themselves.
As tumultuous as the years since I made the decision to come back out and live as a proud intersex and transgender person, they have and continue to be the happiest and most fulfilling years of my life. I stumble and I fall. I make mistakes and make myself look foolish. But I get back up and most of all, I am me, with all the flaws and wonders.
Can't wait to see what adventures 2015 has to offer.
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