MY POSTS FROM FACEBOOK FOR THE LAST THIRTY DAYS!!!

I hear all the time from people telling me I post to much on Facebook and that I should put it in my blog instead.  Many times I use Facebook simply because I feel more people will have the chance to read whatever it is I am thinking at the time.

I will continue to post on Facebook and people can either read and hopefully share, or they can choose not to.  I admit that I don't always understand how social media works, but pretty much anytime I can get something out of my head and onto a keyboard or paper, it always makes me feel better.

I tend to have too much rattling around inside my head and whatever I can do something else with, is always a good thing for me and hopefully something informative or entertaining or both for anyone who reads my Facebook posts or my blog.

What follows, is what I have copied from Facebook and pasted here.  It encompasses pretty much the last thirty days of my life.  I purposely did not put the dates of the posts.  I thought it might be more entertaining that way!!!

Anytime Huffington Post prints something I write, it tells me maybe I am helping people and making a difference. I think anybody who has to stop being productive and doing something they love, it can be hard and frustrating to figure out who you are and what your purpose is and for most of us, we eventually face this.

Retirement is a double edged sword. Some people tell me I come off too needy when I ask for "likes" and more importantly, "shares." I honestly don't care. I do my very best to be a good person and I really do want people to like me. I admit I am insecure and validation feels good. Doing whatever I can to support people I care about makes me feel just as good because it is the one way to show my integrity proving I really mean what I say when I tell someone I care. I write and post because I honestly care. I share my story for one reason only. I don't want anyone to have to go through what I did. It's hard to relive it. It's embarrassing.

When I ask people to please share what I write, in large part I am ignored. Maybe I am too old or out of touch with how social media works. I get very confused when others who ask people to support what they are passionate about and I always do what I am able, even if it is just passing it along by sharing and when they don't support me because they just don't share, I get confused and hurt.

But, I have decided it's all right. People do things for a reason that doesn't necessarily have anything to do with me. I'm not going to stop sharing and support because I need for that to be a big part of who I am. It is the one thing about myself that I am proud of and am secure about.

So, those of you who don't want to share what I write, don't. You won't be hurting me anymore, just those that I advocate for. Whether or not you like no longer matters. I know who I am as a person and I don't need anyone's validation.

This has all been a learning process for me. What mistakes I have made are honest ones. My intent now, from the beginning and into the future has always been to advance intersex and transgender awareness and understanding. By sharing what I write and post, you can make a difference. Simple as that. But just be clear. This is, has been and will be about people who are struggling, hurting and the least understood, not me personally.

I made a huge mistake by taking nonsupport of what I am passionate about personally. I forget sometimes that the only thing I truly have control over is how I react to what life presents me and I apologize for not always reacting better.

This is my last rant about this subject. I just want to do the best I can. If you care and want to support me in my efforts to help, awesome. I will continue to repost what I feel pertinent and write about what stimulates me.
All I ask, is that you help spread the word by sharing where you can and doing whatever you can personally to enlighten yourself about intersex and transgender awareness and understanding!

To my core group of supporters that are always there for me, I love you and you give me strength to carry on. To those who, for whatever reason have faded away, pretty please come back-you are needed. And for the haters and ignorers, well, your the ones who have to live with yourselves.

Okay, based on someone else's post referencing Gofund me, I have a hypothetical question.  I'm pretty sure what the general consensus will be due to my dwindling supporters. Obviously, if I could go to some events, it would help me to network and introduce more people to me personally, which is where everyone says I am most effective. My reality is I can no longer afford that. Every place I've been to promote Beau J. Genot's wonderful short about me has been at my own expense. I just can't imagine anyone interested in my passion of intersex and transgender awareness and understanding would be interested in sponsoring me. I have already lost many I thought supported me by asking for help getting work that would help me fund trips. I will continue to support others, because that is who I have to be, but I realistically think my 15 minutes of fame have run it's course. Would love other honest opinions.

As a student of history, I find it interesting that educated and enlightened people learn the lessons of the past and those who choose to close this marvelous brain the creator gave us, are doomed to repeat the mistakes. All atrocities of the past have been perpetrated by those either seeking to control or by those consumed by fear and ignorance of things they have no desire to try and understand. As far as we have come in civilizing this planet of ours, there is still much work to be done.

One of the most touching and heartwarming moments of my life was on the Derek and Romaine Show (DNR). An over the road trucker, Bobby Spain, called in wanting to know how to be a more supportive father to his gay son. I cried. This is just one example of years of caring and sharing on this show. There is not one other show this can happen, nor all of the hundreds of other calls dealing with coming out. Shame on you Sirius XM.

I want everyone to be clear. I love Frank DeCaro and Doria Biddle along with Keith Price and Xorje Olivares. However OutQ is supposed to be LGB"T" programming. The only place for trans awareness was on the Diana Cage Show, cancelled just like DNR Show with no notice. Sirius XM does not support in anyway, shape or form the transgender or intersex people and I can no longer in good conscience support them. They've taken away the last talk show where people who might be too embarrassed to ask elsewhere about LGBT issues can call in and get good information from people who usually know the answers to the questions or have listeners who call in with the information. Most of these people are isolated and confused. SHAME ON YOU SIRIUS XM. YOU HAVE DEPRIVED OUR COMMUNITY OF ONE OF IT'S MOST VALUABLE ASSETS! Please sign the petition and let your voice be heard.

Calpernia Sarah Addams posted about the pope saying trans people should just accept the body god gave them. This infuriates me. If the pope says to accept the body god gave me, I want him to explain to me why I was given the chromosomes of both male and female. I was never physically able to reproduce. Am I supposed to live my life in limbo? I get so frustrated with people playing god and telling me how I feel. This pope would have me live a life of confusion, being treated like a freak.

No matter how hard I have tried, because I had to grow up differently than other people, sentenced to a life of never being a real mother or real father, I have not and never will feel like I am worthy of the love one spouse has for another. I blame sanctimonious people like him. I know in my mind I deserve love, but because what people say about people like me, my heart is incapable of feeling it.

For whatever reason, I and others like me were born a combination of male and female. Most people don't even want to try and understand. They have compassion for others not born perfect, but very little for intersex and transgender people. As a human being that hurts me to the core.

Trying to hide what I never should have to have been ashamed of in the first place screwed me up so bad that so much of the potential I might have had has been lost. Trying to educate people about intersex and transgender awareness and understanding eases the pain somewhat. While being appreciative of the limited and somewhat dwindling support for my cause, I won't give up because it is truly the only chance I have of feeling worthy of love. 100,000 people can tell me I'm worthy and while it is nice to hear, we all know self worth has to come from within.

So please, don't tell me I'm worthy of love. If you really care; if you really want to help me feel worthy of love, help me spread intersex and transgender awareness and understanding so anyone else born like me doesn't have to go through what I've been through.

People get tired of me complaining about the lack of shares I get here and when I post about my Trucker Patti blog and my blogging on Huffington Post. I kind of equate it with the old adage of guys and fat girls. They are interested in hooking up like people like what I write, but they don't want their friends to know about it. Just saying.

I want people to understand that sharing intimate and painful details about my life takes a toll. Writing is like reliving things all over again. I spent years pushing all this back in the farthest corner of my brain I could so I could live a normal life as a normal woman. I was a miserable failure. Sharing can be somewhat cathartic, but not in a public forum. I screwed up my life for so many years so I want whatever time I have left to mean something so what I have to go through to do so is worth it.

I am not looking for sympathy. I want sharing what I've been through to keep someone else from going through the same thing and to make people aware! It's easy for people to look the other way when they don't know what could be happening.

When you understand and are aware, if you are a kind and compassionate person, you can't look the other way any more.

So, no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing or whatever making my life an open book affects me, it's something I have to do and I have to keep encouraging people to share. I just posted about another murder, and I'm tired of my sisters dying and trans kids killing themselves or being exploited so I will continue.

I write about violence against transwomen and rarely does a week go by without something like this in the news! For everything you see on the news feed there are at least 10 we don't hear about. When you take into consideration the percentage of transwomen in the general population, that should tell you something. These women have people who love them. They are deserving of love, protection and respect. The reason there is so much violence against transwomen is because society allows it. I don't know what the answer is. I just hope someone smarter than me can figure this out.

It's been an interesting year. I have met some crazy talented and creative people who are really smart. I remember, during Outfest last summer, coming back every day to the home Larry Campa and his husband, Damian Molina who were kind enough to host me for ten days, and telling them my brain hurt just trying to interact without looking like the small town bumpkin I am. These sweet men made me feel safe and cared for in the midst of all the craziness.

Everyone I met was really lovely to me. I'm a pretty what you see is what you get kind of person and I generally say what I mean and mean what I say. One of the hardest things for me, was figuring out who liked me for me and who was just being nice to because they felt sorry for me or because they thought maybe I was going somewhere and I might be a good contact. It's nothing personal, just how it is. Many times it's more about who you know than who you are.

I've allowed my heart to be a little bruised, but I own that now and, more importantly, I have learned. I would not trade the experiences of my ten days of Outfest. I doubt I will get invited back again, but if I do, I will take better care of myself. There really are some genuinely nice, authentic people as hard as that might be to believe.  My skin is "officially" (thank you Detox!) thicker! Love and hugs from Trucker Patti!.

Caitlyn Jenner. A few thoughts. Was it calculated that in Bruce Jenner's interview with Diane Sawyer that he appeared rather dowdy and awkward and not necessarily confident, kind of a metaphoric "ugly duckling," and now on the cover of "Vanity Fair" Caitlyn emerges in a very short period of time as this poised, graceful and elegant "swan?"

Most any transgender person I have ever known will tell you that transition is a long process, so forgive me if I see the money centered h...and of the Kardashian brand in this.

However, statements were made about truly wanting to help the transgender community, especially the youth and anyone who knows me knows I'm all about understanding and awareness. I'm expecting to see Caitlyn putting her money and her celebrity where her mouth is.
I celebrate the fact she is finally getting to live life as her authentic self. However, pardon the skeptic in me, and I know I'm not the only one for saying I will celebrate even more when I see her out there working hard for those who lack the protections and resources.

I'm not big on politics because I still think politicians are more for the party and self advancement than representing their constituents, so I just feel frustrated. I hate that voting is always about the lesser of two evils and it makes me feel public.

One thing that seems clear to me. George Bush senior had a chance to eliminate Sadam Hussein with minimum risk to our troops and he blew it
W totally misread the situation and thousands of dead and wounded and scarred for life and over a trillion dollars later, money that our country so desperately needed for education, infrastructure, too many living below the poverty level, it is more of a mess in the middle east than ever.

Now another Bush wants to be president. He says he is his own man, but does not honestly look at the mistakes of his father or brother. Common sense would tell reasonable people don't put another Bush in charge.
Just a thought to transition to their authentic lives as opposed to this whole media process being just another Kardasian spinoff. I'm rooting for you, girl!

The Navy ruined a career that I loved because I wanted to be me. I was a navy musician playing woodwind instruments and my last duty station was the Navy Steel Band, playing steel drums from Trinidad. This caused me to lose my love for music. I have a Native American flute I occasionally play. I don't want any good, patriotic sltrans service person to ever have their dreams crushed like mine simply because they need to be their authentic self.

For anyone interested, this is the source of my meltdown yesterday. You can decide for youselves if it was justified or if I'm just a selfish narcissist looking for attention. Two years ago I was just another trucker running around the country and breaking up the monotony calling into shows on Sirius/XM OutQ. I went on a cruise and met some awesome gays and lesbians and discovered they knew little about transgender people and nothing about intersex people of which I am both. I am also someone who transitioned and had surgery at a time when few were having the same experience. I also blended (stealth mode) into society. I then did something rare. After more than 25 years, I came back out.

A filmmaker I met found this interesting, came out on the truck with me for ten days and for forty or fifty hours I was filmed behind the wheel telling stories about my life. The filmmaker financed this totally on his own and the forty to fifty hours was edited (brilliantly I thought) into just under 15 minutes. "Trucker Patti" premiered at Outfest last summer and has screened in San Francisco, London, Sydney, Melbourne and some other places in Australia and maybe some other countries in Europe. Most of the content was about me being kicked out of the navy and two of my three marriages. There is only so much you can do in 15 minutes. I believe the filmmaker hoped to get financial backing to expand. That didn't happen. I felt responsible and that I had let him down by not being good enough.
Failing to be interesting enough to justify the hundreds of unpaid hours of work for the filmmaker made me feel horrible. I thought if I did every appearance and interview, started a blog about some very painful and private experiences, maybe I could be good enough.

Then a couple of amazing things happened. I am not a good writer and it takes me hours to put together anything. Because of my calling in to a show, I had an acquaintance with an editor at Huffington Post. He kindly posted several of my blogs. At first, I had tons of support on Facebook and Twitter from people I thought were friends, but as of the last one a couple of weeks ago, not even one like.

From the beginning of my foray into social media, I begged for people to share. I was blogging about at risk trans kids and seniors, my amazing experience on "Glee" with the largest transgender choir ever assembled on TV. My thinking from the very beginning was the more people who knew who I was, the more I could reach with my message of intersex and transgender awareness and understanding and possibly enough interest for the film.

I know I've touched some people and I am so thankful for the people, despite all my clumsiness, have been supportive.
What set me off was the whole Duggar scandal. I had tried and failed miserably last year to get everyone to share my attempt to get TLC interested in Trucker Patti. I don't know if all the people who liked what I posted did so just out of kindness (most likely) or because they didn't think their friends would be interested in me or transgender or intersex issues. I just hadn't done enough or done things right.

Anyway, I had been a big fan of the Duggars till I realized how bigoted they were and Josh went to work for the FRC. I don't want to be judged so I try not to. When the scandal broke and it was revealed Oprah knew as early as 2006, I just sort of snapped. TLC had done stupid gay in denial mormons but nothing about transgender (although I hear there is finally something in the works) let alone intersex or transpeople from my generation having to live stealth. Nothing that would help my community. So, I failed my filmmaker, I failed to get even gays and lesbians-which had been my media focus, intersted in intersex and transgender awareness and understanding and even the Duggars who are a bunch of child abusing frauds managed to do what I couldn't.

I'm intersex and transgender, I'm a Vietnam era Navy Vet who had been in the elite Navy Steel Band, I got kicked out of the navy for needing to be my authentic self. I did drag in New Orleans in the 70's and 80's and got to know Dick Cavett and his wife. I was in the San Francisco Pride parades in the beginning. I had gender affirming surgery in 1982 in San Francisco with a blood transfusion and still survived the AIDS epidemic. I am a multiple rape-once by a New Orleans cop-survivor. I've survived two cheating husbands and cancer. I spent the better part of 25 years as an over the road truck driver and at one time weighed 430 pounds, but I'm not interesting and the freaking Duggars fooled everyone and still blind fools are saying oh they were just kids and they were prayed over-more like preyed over-so I went a little nuts and now I'm re-evaluating everything. And one last thing. No surprise I suffer from PTSD, which has made everything I've done in the past couple of years even harder. It's hard for me to trust or to feel worthy of love or even good enough period. I found out yesterday that someone I had let in and trusted was a real friend wasn't.

So I had a really bad day yesterday and have aired much of my dirty laundry-you probably saw the post about my greedy brother- and now I am trying to figure out where I go from here. I am out and proud and will try to find a way to advocate hopefully better than the crappy job I've done so far. I am fortunate in my hillside safe sanctuary with great neighbors and I have my two furry love muffins.
I'm not giving up. Just regrouping


 

 

 

CAITLYN JENNER, HERO SPIRIT

Now that the dust has somewhat settled from Caitlyn Jenner's debut, I felt like it was time for me to weigh in.  I want to start off by saying, that while Ms. Jenner made quite a splash on the cover of "Vanity Fair," coming out the way she did was inevitable.  Being under the umbrella of the Kardashian brand and publicity machine, there would have been no way for Ms. Jenner to pull this off quietly.  She has obviously made the most of the resources available to her, quite beautifully I might add, and my hope is, in the long run, that this will positively bring the awareness and understanding of transgender people that is so close to my heart.  To those who have weighed in negatively, you are entitled to your opinion no matter how counterproductive it may be, but seriously, PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT TRANSGENDER ISSUES! To me, that is HUGE!

I personally want to wish Caitlyn all the best that this new chapter in her life has to offer.  I feel bad that anyone should have to wait until they are 65 years old to be able to live an authentic life.  Given the high profile nature of who she is, it had to have taken an amazing amount of courage to finally decide that she could no longer go on living a life that prevented her from simply being herself.

Transition journeys are as unique as the people who undertake them.  Hormone replacement therapy and different types of surgery to help bring a person to where they comfortably feel that their outside matches their inside, as well as many different kinds as psychological therapy and living life in female clothing are the main commonality in a male to female scenario.  Pretty much everything else is unique to the individual.  My biggest fear is that unenlightened people will use Caitlyn as a template for the male to female transition experience.  For so many reasons, what she has shared and what has been written about her unique journey, is not anywhere close to the experiences of the majority of transgender people. 

I think the best way I personally can help enlighten people in this context, is by sharing some of my own transition journey and compare it with Caitlyn's.  We are of a similar age, 61 for me and 65 for her and come from middle class backgrounds, me in Wisconsin, her in New York.  In an effort to cure myself of whatever it was that I did not understand about myself at 21, I married a woman.  Caitlyn married a woman.  There is where our paths diverge in totally different directions.  I got an annulment and she stayed married and had children. 

There are some myths related to transitioning.  Body parts and appearance do not make a woman.  Gender has absolutely nothing to do with sexual preference.  Everyone's needs are different.  Many unenlightened people assume that all transgender women or men for that matter, want to or need to have every kind of surgery imaginable.  One of the most rude and arrogant questions an unenlightened person can ask someone who is transgender, is "what surgeries have you had," or "what surgeries do you intend to have."  A person's surgical history or desire for surgery is very personal and private.  In an effort to help enlighten people, I have made myself available to people I meet to ask me any questions they want.  That is my personal choice and don't assume all transgender people feel the same way. 

Some people require several surgeries to come to the level of feminization that they feel is what they need to make their outside appearance coexist comfortably with who they are inside.  Surgery comes with a whole set of challenges all by itself.  Adam's apple shave, facial feminization, breast implants, genital surgery, hair plugs are just some of the procedures that people have in total or in combinations for the different needs of individuals.  We all know that surgery is painful.  We also know that any time you are under anesthesia, you put yourself at risk for not waking up. 
There is a huge list of other physical complications that can come with any kind of surgery. 

One of the worst, for many, is the anxiety related to surgery.  How much pain am I going to have, what am I going to look like, will I function normally, are just a few contributors to the anxiety of someone transitioning.  For myself, and most people I know who have transitioned, the biggest anxiety was, how am I going to pay for it all.  I would imagine Caitlyn had a combination of anxiety, but was fortunate enough not to have to worry about the cost.  They say money can't buy happiness, but it sure can buy surgery.

In my case, I feel very fortunate.  I started my transition in the late seventies.  In 1980 I was diagnosed by my endocrinologist as being intersex.  Like all women, I was born with two X chromosomes.  But, like all men, I was also born with a Y chromosome.  In my case, the Y chromosome was always the extra chromosome.  My earliest memory is of saying my nightly prayers at the age of four asking God to let me wake up the little girl I was supposed to be.  I was always very effeminate and when I went through puberty I developed large breasts.  I never had the challenge of trying to look female.  My challenge, as I was being raised male, was to look and act like a male.

A wonderful thing happened to me.  After all those years of stressing out over how I would pay for surgery, because of my intersex diagnosis, my health care provider paid for my genital surgery, the only surgery related to my transition I felt necessary. 

Before surgery, I was required to be evaluated by two psychiatrists and a psychologist.  This is something that is absolutely crucial.  No surgery should ever be undertaken lightly for any reason other than it is absolutely necessary.  Genital surgery is irreversible, so being in the right psychological frame of mind is essential.  Something happened to me during the psychological evaluation process that would direct me down a very damaging path until the age of 53, when I finally started living my authentic self.  I may have gotten the correct plumbing at 28, but I was still living a lie.

Passing or going into stealth mode, in other words, blending into society as a woman without people knowing you are transgender, is something that is a concern for transgender women.  I never had a problem with passing.  Because of this, one of the psychiatrists I saw told me that if I wanted to have a normal life, I would have to keep my gender situation private.  This was told to me in 1980 when little was known about the long-term ramifications of living as a transgender woman.  Thankfully, this no longer happens.  The fact that I was intersex and born with two X chromosomes helped me to justify staying private, even from the two men I eventually married and divorced.  The fact that Caitlin is living her authentic life out and proud was something that took me over 25 years to come to terms with.  I don't recommend anyone live with secrets.  It damaged my life in too many ways to list here.

Growing up male was for me and many other transgender women that I know, very traumatic.  I was constantly confused about who I was and how to conduct myself.  I am heterosexual and at the age of 14, because I had an attraction to boys, I was lured into a situation where I was sexually assaulted by two 17 year old male friends of my brother.  Had I been raised with the knowledge that I was fine the way I was, this would have not happened to me.  Children need to be loved and encouraged to be themselves, whoever they are!

That was my first experience with sexual violence, but would not be my last.  Transitioning in the late seventies and early eighties was dangerous.  I was raped by a New Orleans Police sergeant and beaten and raped by a man that would go on to murder a transgender woman.  They were nice to me at the hospital until they found out I had a penis.  I was then told to leave as none of my injuries were life threatening.  The police who were supposed to take a report of what happened to me and 3 nurses were laughing and catcalling at me as I was leaving.

You would think that in this day and age, all transgender women along with Caitlyn would be able to transition safely.  Unfortunately, that is not the situation.  Transgender women are at risk for violence in a disproportionately higher rate than biological women.  Many who transition young like I did, wind up in the streets addicted to drugs because there are no jobs available for them.  Many have no family support and there are few, if any community resources available to them.  The bottom line is we need, at the very least a trans inclusive ENDA. 

I was consumed in those early years trying to figure out how I was going to pay for surgery.  I started college, but could not concentrate and had to drop out.  I could barely hold a job.  A job that I had only because I could pass. These are all problems that access to resources can solve. Most who wait until much later in life to transition and have financial resources, like Caitlyn, do not face these problems.  However, it comes at the cost of losing all of those years living as someone who they are not.  Many who wait that long also have families and all the associated problems that come with that situation.

When I came back out at the age of 53 and told everyone in my life my story, it set me free.  Since then, because of all of the breaks and good fortune I have had, I am doing everything that a disabled, retired truck driver living in a nice little RV in Missouri on a fixed income can do to promote intersex and transgender awareness and understanding.  I am proud that I survived growing up, I am proud to be a survivor, not a victim of sexual violence and you can add to that list, cancer survivor.  People think I have had a tough journey, but compared to many, I am blessed!

Our youth deserve every break they can get on their transition journey.  In her interview with Diane Sawyer, Caitlyn expressed a desire to do what she can to help transgender youth.  I am looking forward to her being in the struggle with the rest of us that just want to live our lives in safety and with dignity.  We all need to pull together and do what we can to make things better for the younger generation.  With her current resources and whatever resources come from the reality show path she goes down, she has an opportunity like no one before her to make a real difference as she has said she wants to.  I have faith that she will. We know the hero spirit resides inside Caitlyn and I am looking forward to seeing her set it free.  Love and hugs from Trucker Patti!

AGING AND ISOLATION IN THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY

The other day, as I was scrolling through my Facebook news feed, I ran across a post that said, "I've always been afraid of losing people I love.  Sometimes I wonder, is there than anyone out there afraid to lose me." It struck a chord in me.  I realized that sometimes this was exactly how I felt.  I am a baby boomer.  I was born on February 7, 1954.  It would not surprise me to know that many other baby boomers feel the same way.  For me, the worst thing about aging, is all the people you lose.

Many of us who came out in the sixties and seventies, became estranged from family members and friends we had known since childhood.  You can eventually learn to manage that kind of rejection, but I don't believe you ever get over it completely.  From a very early age I knew that I was different.  This knowledge was the first attack on my self esteem.  When you are different, you are no stranger to rejection.  By the time I  actually came out, I was much more familiar with rejection than I was acceptance.  Inability to deal with this rejection manifests itself in many different ways.  Drug and alcohol abuse, the need to control everything, in my case, an addiction to food and the very worst, low self esteem.

Many baby boomers were completely rejected by family.  For gay men, the thought of ever having children of their own was practically unheard of.  We made our own families with people in similar situations.  Now, as we age, members of the families we created are leaving us and we increasingly find ourselves alone.  If you don't live in an area where there are resources for LGBTQ people, it can be very lonely.  Rather than reach out, it is easier just to isolate.

Many intersex and transgender people of my generation, did exactly what I did after transitioning.  They blended.  If they were like me, there were very few people in their life that understood their physical make up.  My parents, who supported me in my transition, are gone.  The one immediate family member I have left, my brother, never accepted me and I have no relationship with him.  I have extended family that accept me, but we are not geographically close.  I have friends who I can no longer physically or financially keep up with who I am letting fade away.  I have friends who love me close by, but that drive to isolate as I get older and feel less relevant is hard to resist.  I am used to being able to do for these people.  I am not used to having anyone do for me, so isolating is much easier than facing the deeper issues.  I don't have to deal with my failing stamina, my failing body or feeling that I am not worthy of love and attention when I am alone.

We all know that after the age of 60, for most of us, the body starts to fall apart.  We develop health problems that most people would visit their doctor to address.  When you live most of your adult life in what we in the transgender community refer to as "stealth mode," the last thing you want to do, is go to a doctor and be completely honest.  I think people would be surprised how many people there are living in stealth mode.  I think people would be surprised how many gays and lesbians are still in the closet.  These are the people I'm most concerned about.  I believe that as they get older they are more likely to isolate and not address their health issues, especially if they live in a rural area or a small town.

I am a survivor of the trauma of being raised as a male, of adolescent sexual assault, of violent rape, of sexual coercion by a law enforcement officer.  Transitioning in the 70's and 80's was dangerous.  I have survived two cheating husbands.  Therapy told me I had PTSD.  And yet, I am not crazy and I am a loving and compassionate human being.  In my generation, to be LGBTQ meant you lived a life of some kind of trauma and if you were lucky, you survived.  Very few escaped unscathed.

After coming back out in 2005, the Diana Cage show, the Michelangelo Signorile Show, the Frank DeCaro Show and the Derek and Romaine Show on Sirius/XM satellite radio have all been kind enough to let me talk on their shows.  Beau J. Genot of 5100 Films was kind enough to make a documentary with me as the subject.  In many other ways, I have been embraced by the community.  Some people know who I am and it has given me a small voice.  The seniors I am talking about don't feel like they have any voice.

Freeing myself from living a lie and all this wonderful positive attention should be a huge boost to my self esteem.  Blogging for the Huffinton Post should be a huge boost to my self esteem and in many ways it is.  It bothers me in more ways than I can articulate that once in while that little voice in my ear telling me I am a freak of nature and not worthy of love still whispers.  As I get older and weaker, that voice gets stronger.  It is then then I want to isolate.  When I am alone, no one can hurt me.  When I'm alone, no one can reject me.  If I can still feel this way, imagine how those who have been isolated for years feel.

As sociable as I am and as huge a capacity I have to love other people and to show love to other people, it is still very difficult for me to accept that I am worthy of their love.  When I isolate myself from other people I don't have to deal with this.  When other people don't notice that I'm isolating, it reinforces the feeling of not being worthy.  Once again, if I feel this way sometimes, I wonder how people that have not been shown the support and acceptance I have, feel.

My generation came out in a time of violence and hate.  My generation lived through the AIDS epidemic and saw way too many of our loved ones die because of ignorance.  That which does not kill you makes you stronger and in many ways a truer statement has never been made.  However, as strong as we have made ourselves, the older you get, the more vulnerable many people feel.  When you are vulnerable, that's when the doubts come out.

I am hoping that anyone who is still living in stealth mode or in the closet and reads this will realize that they don't have to isolate.  People care.  Resources are available.  You are not alone.  Taking care of your health is more important than anything else.  Those of you who are in a position to help, reach out to our seniors.  Make it your business to show them that people really do care.  They are too proud to ask for help.  Some of them may be suspicious because it is so hard to trust when you have been hurt.  Some of them may be fearful because they have been living an inauthentic life for so long.  Show them compassion and understanding.

The world is a much better and safer place today for the young people because, in many cases, what our seniors have been through.  Getting old sucks.  Many people smarter than I did a much better job of preparing for their retirement.  Unfortunately, many didn't, and in some cases couldn't.  Some of us are lucky enough to have a fixed income and a bit put by, but too many are homeless.  Retirement communities for gays and lesbians are few.  For intersex and transgender almost nonexistent.  No one should ever have to feel alone and as if they have no value.  As a community, we need to step up and make sure our seniors are taken care of.  Love and hugs from tucker Patti

Thoughts on the Diane Sawyer Interview With Bruce Jenner

I want to start this blog off by saying that like Diane Sawyer, I will refer to Bruce Jenner by his name and male pronouns until he chooses to come out as the person he refers to as "her."  I personally know very little about Bruce Jenner.  In 1976, along with the rest of the country, I cheered for him during the Olympics and was very happy when he won his gold medal.

I remember during the 1980s hearing some rumors that Bruce Jenner might be transitioning into a woman.  I transitioned in the late seventies and early eighties and had my gender affirming surgery in 1982.  At the advice of one of the several psychology professionals I saw prior to my surgery, I chose to leave my past as a male behind me. Up to the time of my diagnosis with Klinefelter's syndrome, I had been the embarrassment of the family.  However, with the diagnosis of being born intersex, my family was happy that there was a biological explanation as to why I was the way I was and were happily complicit. At the time these rumors about Bruce were going around, I was already living in what many in the transgender community refer to as stealth mode, meaning that no one, other than my family new about my male past.  At that time, I did not feel it was in my best interests to even discuss these rumors with anyone.

I have never watched the show, "Keeping Up With the Kardashians," but like everyone else, was aware of who they were.  I really had no idea until recently, that the rumors about Bruce transitioning were once again news.  When I heard about the interview with Diane Sawyer, I was at first skeptical, knowing how popular reality shows had become, and that this might be the beginning of another over the top reality show.  However, I like to think of myself as a person who reserves opinions until the majority of the facts are available.

I did my best to approach the interview with as few preconceived notions as possible.  I can now say after watching the interview in its entirety, that I was very pleased both with Ms. Sawyer's interview, as well as Bruce Jenner's candid answers to her questions.

As I listened to Bruce tell the story of his childhood, in many respects I felt like he was telling my story.  Bruce was born in October of 1949.  I was born in February of 1954.  We are both children of the fifties and sixties.  We both had the same confusion about our bodies and our genders from a very early age.  Neither one of us had any resources to bring any kind of clarity to that confusion.  Where our stories differ, is that Bruce channeled his confusion into embracing the male physical part of him, and because I was born intersex, in my case having both male and female chromosomes, I always appeared more female than male and lacked the male muscle mass to go down the same road.

I don't want to get into a lot of specifics in the interview as most people reading will have seen the interview and I don't see the need to be redundant.  What I got from the interview is that Bruce intends to use his story to help bring about what has been my passion for some time.  That being awareness and understanding.  So many of the challenges facing both intersex and transgender people is a lack of awareness and understanding not only in the straight community, but in the LGB community as well.

In 2007 after making a decision to no longer keep my early life a secret, I immersed myself into the LGBT community.  I did my best to be as supportive as possible to the many new gay and lesbian friends that I had met because of my participation in radio shows on the Sirius/XM satellite radio station OutQ.  In 2013, I went on a Caribbean cruise sponsored by the Derek and Romaine show.  I was the only transgender person in the group on this cruise.  I was very surprised to learn that this wonderful group of people that I met on this cruise knew very little about the transgender community.  Because I had learned so much about lesbian and gay issues once I decided to become part of the community, I naively assumed that gays and lesbians knew as much about the transgender community.  Because there is a "T" in LGBT, I wrongly assumed that there was unified support.  I decided then and there that I would do my best to do whatever was in my power to help anyone understand the transgender experience as I had lived it.

I started to realize fairly early on in my quest to be part of the LGBT community again, that there was some disconnect between the transgender community and the gay and lesbian community.  That disconnect became glaringly apparent when several years ago, I heard on the "Michelangelo Signorile Show" that Joe Solmonese, at that time, the head of the Human Rights Campaign was endorsing a non-trans inclusive ENDA.  Donna Rose, a transgender woman on the HRC board of directors quit in protest.  At that time, I went through many emotions.  Anger, hurt, sadness, disillusionment and something close to hopelessness.  None of these emotions were for me personally.  I am legally a female.  I have a birth certificate and a passport that says I'm female.  I am lucky. These feelings were for the many struggling transgender people that receive very little support outside their own community.  I have heard that lately, things are getting better between the transgender community and HRC.  I hope that is true.  More than ever, we need a trans inclusive ENDA and I hope HRC will get 100% behind one.

The last thing in the world I want, is to downplay what gays and lesbians have been through in order to achieve where they are today.  Until gay marriage is legal in every state in this country there is still work to do and I am 100% behind my gay brothers and sisters.  My purpose in doing whatever I can to bring intersex and transgender understanding and awareness is to help unite the LGBT community.  From what I heard in last night's interview, it seems to me that Bruce Jenner wants the same thing.
I was very pleased when he mentioned the plight of our transgender youth.  These are the people who are most at risk. 

It is not my place to judge anyone's transition journey.  People transition at different points in their lives for different reasons.  The biggest lesson that I learned going stealth for over 25 years, is that living with a life changing secret can dramatically impact one's quality of life significantly in too many ways to list here.  I believe it is the same with anyone who, for whatever reason feels forced to live an inauthentic life.

What I see causes the most trauma in the lives of transgender people, is their ability to lead an authentic life.  It seems to me, that in every transition story I have ever heard, whether it's a person transitioning in their twenties like I was able to do or a person transitioning late in life, is that once they were able to start living their life authentically, their quality of life increased ways they never thought possible.

Much has been made of the fact that Bruce has children and what the effect of this decision will have on his children.  Many transgender people live in a form of limbo for many years until their children are grown to finally make their transition because they are cognizant of the fact that they brought these children into the world and don't want to hurt them.  The reason I am so passionate about understanding and awareness is because people of mine and Bruce's generation had no resources to help us understand who we were and that there were choices we could make on how to live our lives. 

Bruce dealt with his situation by becoming the most Alpha male he could be, marrying and having children.  I dealt with mine by going stealth and living with an explosive secret hanging over my head coloring everything about my life in a way that was anything but positive.  Another reason I made that choice was of that because of the traumas that I experienced in transitioning.  I was raped more than once, one time by a New Orleans police Department sargent.  I was beaten up more than once.  Nothing in my life up to the point of my surgery told me that I would be safe if I was honest about the circumstances of my birth.

Today, I cope.  I originally became a truck driver after my first divorce because I thought by isolating myself,  I could control things better.  I enjoyed my life on the road, but running away is never the answer and solved nothing.  My life is better now because I finally chose not to hide who I am, but the traumas will never entirely go away.  The best that I can do is put them into perspective and advocate as best I can for young transgender people so that they do not have to go through what I went through.  Also, for them not to have to go through what Bruce Jenner went through.  Everyone deserves to live an authentic life for their whole life. 

When Bruce finally completes his transition and unveils the person he refers to as "her," I wish every success and happiness for her.  I truly believe that she will do her best to bring understanding and awareness.  I hope that people will take away from the interview a sense of hope and not get caught up in details.  Bruce's story is not about "Keeping Up With the Kardashians."  Bruce's story is about a long and complicated journey that I pray no one else will have to repeat.

My hope is that Bruce's story will inspire people to learn more about the transgender experience.  I hope it will inspire them to say no more violence against trans people.  We are human beings that deserve every opportunity and all the respect that every other human being deserves.  History shows us that people do the most horrible things when they lack understanding and awareness.  You don't have to go very far back in history to see atrocities committed that people later say if they only understood, the atrocities would never have happened.

I want people to understand that Bruce Jenner's journey to transition, in my opinion, is no less important or significant than anyone else's journey.  What I do want people to understand is that his journey is not typical.  Without financial or emotional support, the majority of transgender people will continue to be traumatized in more ways than people want to hear about. 

I want to personally thank Bruce for his courage, his candor, and his willingness to share his journey.  At the very least, it will start a conversation.  Please do not get caught up in the politics.  Transgender people are no different than anyone else.  They have their own opinions.  It is also so important to understand that their gender identity has absolutely nothing to do with their sexual preference.

Please keep this conversation going.  Our transgender youth need your support, compassion, and understanding.  Love and hugs from trucker Patti.

HOW I FOUND MYSELF ON LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF "GLEE" - THE EXPERIENCE

My "Glee" experience started at the Hollywood Forever Memorial Park, a cemetery adjacent to Paramount Studios.  When I was invited to participate in this episode of  "Glee," I was told only that I was going to be part of a transgender choir.  Most choirs that I have seen are generally made up of 20 to 30 people.  After I got there, I found out that the reason I was directed to the cemetery was because there was not enough parking on the Paramount lot for all the people that were coming. 

From this cemetery, they took us in buses over to an area on the Paramount lot adjacent to stage 14.  At that point, I'm sure there must have been at least 100 people already there.  I was, for lack of a better word, gobsmacked.  I have to give it to Paramount though, they were certainly ready for us.  There was an army of staff ready to help any one who needed wardrobe, makeup, and help with filling out that many forms that were required to be part of this choir.

After I arrived, several buses carrying more people arrived.  Once I had filled out the appropriate paperwork and it was determined that my wardrobe and makeup were acceptable, I finally had time to really look around at the people that surrounded me.  There were transgender people of every gender, size, shape, age, culture, and socioeconomic group.  What I was looking at, was truly a microcosm of our country.  I wanted to talk to everybody.  I wanted to know everyone's story.  Unfortunately,
there was not time for this to happen.  The Paramount professionals there acted like a well oiled machine.  After wardrobe, hair, makeup, and paperwork were sorted out, we were then taken inside stage 14 where they had tables set up for us.

I had heard in the past, how great craft services was on television and movie sets.  I was not disappointed.  The breakfast they had ready for us, is what I would imagine celebrities would expect on the set.  They gave us a little time to eat, and we were then introduced to, I believe, producers that for the rest of the day we referred to as mom and dad.  "Mom" thoroughly explained to us what the day was going to consist of.  We were told, thankfully on my part, that there would be no live singing, although we had coaches to help us learn the words that we would be lip synching.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I sing about as well as I perform heart surgery.  There were many sighs of relief around the tables when we learned we would not be singing live.

Being surrounded by all these interesting people was very difficult for me.  While I was able to chat with a few during breakfast, being a bit nosey and curious and a rather talkative person, I was determined to be professional.  Being part of a television show or a movie had always been an unrealized dream of mine and I really wanted to do my best. This would not be a day for networking.

After a couple of hours of rehearsal, we were then taken to the soundstage where the William McKinley High auditorium was.  We were then wrangled to our spots on the risers.  I am still amazed at how well all of the Paramount people did their jobs.  They spent awhile moving people around until they got just the right look that they wanted.  There were 198 transgendered people in the choir (a few less than the 300 Mr. Shuster told Coach Beiste were there) and they acted like dealing with a group of
people this size was something they did every day. 

Another thing that really amazed me, was the way all of the other extras behaved during a very long and arduous day. After talking to a few people, I realized this group consisted of a lot of really big personalities.  Sometimes big personalities can be difficult to deal with, but the day went on with only the occasional grumble.  I think though, like me, it was dawning on every transgender person there, that we were about to be a part of something special, even epic.  Outside of pride festivals, as far as I know, there has never been a group of transgender people this size and diverse ever brought together in one place before.

Throughout the day, we went through the song more times than I could count.  Every time we went through the song, so did Alex Newell, playing the character of Unique, who was singing the song.  Dot Marie Jones, playing Coach Beiste, who I had the privilege of chatting with, also had as long of a day as we did. The rest of the cast members were there for most of the shoot, with the exception of Jane Lynch. I got to meet several of them.  They were very friendly and approachable.  After this experience, I truly have a real understanding of just how hard actors, producers, crew all the way down to the production assistants work. 

We were shot from every possible angle with more different kinds of cameras than I can remember.  Physically, I was having some difficulties standing for so long.  The director was pretty generous with breaks, but I'm
sure we spent a good 8 to 10 hours on those risers.  I was so privileged  to be a part of this group that I just sucked up the pain and carried on.

Before the episode aired, I had asked every one that I knew to record the episode.  I then asked them to freeze frame on every part of the choir.  I wanted them to see what I saw, a group of people that were truly a cross section of our country.  There were people in designer clothes and there were people that were obviously struggling economically.  There were people like me, who had learned how to blend and others who are obviously at the beginning of their transition journey and everything in between.

My personal observation has been that the majority of trans people fall into a few distinct categories.  One category blends into society and does not share their trans status with any but the people who are closest to them. 

The second category are people who limit themselves to their own small groups of friends because they have trouble blending into society and people can be very cruel to them. These are the people who are the most vulnerable.  They have the most problems finding, housing, employment and medical care.

Then you have the people who have waited till late in life to make the transition and have more financial resources to draw from. 

For 25 years, I was in that first group.  Only my family knew about me.  I am happy to say that now I'm in the last category.  People who are out, proud, and trying to do whatever little bit they can to try and make a difference.

I focus that little bit of what I can do trying to bring trans and intersex awareness and understanding to the gay and lesbian community.  For so long, out of necessity, they had to be like so many trans people are today, secretive.  It truly warms my heart after everything I've experienced in my 61 years, that in most places in this country, gays and lesbians can just live their lives being who they are.  It was a long time coming and a hard fight to get there even though there is still work to be done.

Trans people need allies.  I firmly believe that awareness and understanding gave gays and lesbians the allies they needed to finally be able to live their lives open and proud.  I do my best to make myself available to everyone that I meet to answer any questions they might have about my own personal journey.  As I have said in the past, after I came out of stealth mode and started to meet a lot of gay, lesbian and bisexual people, I was truly surprised at how little awareness and understanding they had of trans people.

Almost every person I have never talked to about this issue of awareness and understanding wants to be supportive.  I am hoping that events like this episode of "Glee" will be a big step in the right direction.  In my opinion, the biggest obstacle that the queer community faces in being supportive of every one, is the lack of a trans inclusive ENDA.

It is almost impossible for people who are afraid of losing their job or afraid of losing their housing or afraid of being shunned, to be open and proud.  Every human being deserves to be happy.  Every human being deserves to be themselves.  Those of us who have comfortable lives are obligated, I believe, to do something to help those that are struggling.  A young lady who was part of the choir told me that she was nervous about participating.  She was a teacher at an elementary school, she said, and no one at the school knew her trans status.  She is a very brave young lady and we all could learn a lesson from her.  In order for growth, we need to
occasionally step out of our comfort zones and show some of the same courage as did this young woman.

I want to personally thank Ryan Murphy and every one at Paramount involved with the show along with every courageous and beautiful transgender person who participated in this epic the event.  It was truly an honor and privilege to be part of this project.

TRUCKER PATTI'S ROAD TO "GLEE"

"Transition" is it the title of the episode on the television show "Glee," that we'll be airing Friday, February 13th.  From its first episode, "Glee" has been extraordinary in every sense of the word.  Every teenage issue, from bullying, teen pregnancy, same sex relationships, and leaving the high school to go out into the world, have been addressed.
This episode deals with the female football coach, who revealed in an earlier episode, that she was transgender and would be transitioning from female to male.
I understand transitioning, because I'd transitioned in the late seventies and early eighties culminating in my gender affirming surgery in 1982.  Just like all personal journeys that people experience, everyone's transition is different.  What is consistent in everyone's transition journey, is that it will probably be the biggest challenge one that would face in their life.  Support from one's friends and family is probably the single most factor in how difficult a person's transition can be.
In November of last year, I was driving from my home in Missouri to San Francisco for a sold out screening of the documentary short, "Trucker Patti," of which I am the subject.  While on this trip, I was made aware that the casting director, Kristan Berona, of "Glee," was looking for transgender people for an episode in the final season of the show. Gleek that I am, I immediately got in touch with Kristan and was invited to participate.
I had planned only to go to San Francisco and then drive back to Missouri.  However, after learning the particulars of this episode, I decided to make the several hundred mile detour to go to Los Angeles to participate.  This screening of trucker Patti at the transgender film festival in San Francisco had been sold out (see the review in "Curve" magazine http://www.curvemag.com/Reviews/Trucker-Patti-Delights-at-Sold-Out-Festival-Screenings-262/ by Rachel Pepper) and I was feeling very good on my drive from San Francisco to Los Angeles.
I can only say that the experience of being part of this episode has been one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  As an advocate for transgender and intersex understanding and awareness, I am very grateful to Ryan Murphy, the creator and driving force behind "Glee" and every one involved with the show.  The work that they have done is truly groundbreaking and one of the most courageous things I have ever seen on network television.
Even if you are not a fan of the show, I would urge you to watch this episode, because what takes place is truly life affirming.  I am hoping to talk more about this episode after it has aired and what the experience meant to me personally to be on the "Glee" auditorium stage.  I really hope you will watch.
Love and hugs from tucker Patti!